A Welcomed Victory

A regrettable thing about me is that I cannot stop thinking ever. E-V-E-R. I wish this equated to me being intelligent, but it does not seem like overthinking and high IQ automatically correlates. All it means is that regardless of the time of day or the setting I have a busy room in my head arguing about the merits of the book I’ve just read, whether I am doing enough with my life and what I should have for dinner all at once.

Occasionally it is wonderful- for example, getting to enjoy the chance of being distracted in an unbearably boring meeting- but truthfully, most of the time I feel tired and infantile. It is hard for me to juggle tasks and I often zone out of conversations resulting in me presenting uncommitted and unintelligent. It also means I never sleep- I’m just never relaxed enough. So I exist in a continuous state of exhaustion that makes me stressed, irritated and physically unwell. I am skilled enough that I can present collected to a new face, but the reality of my existence is surprisingly strained.

I dislike it when I catch myself feeling sorry for myself and I am under no illusion that I deserve pity. Ultimately, life is exceptionally comfortable for me and I am blessed beyond measure to be someone with such a wealth of opportunities. I don’t want to complain. I just want to explain that whilst I have educational opportunities, quality relationships and political stability acting in my favour it does not usually feel I have my brain on my side. And occasionally that’s enough to really pull a person under.

When I was diagnosed with ADHD in January, I felt largely indifferent to the news. Firstly, I was impatient for the assessment to end as I had a friend passing through London whom I had agreed to meet up with and each minute the assessment continued I was aware time was being stolen from my socializing window. Secondly, is ADHD really a thing?! My answer would have been “Probably- but it’s sooo over diagnosed”. The way I saw it, my diagnosis was almost proof of the insignificance of ADHD- it had been observed that I was fidgety so I had been prescribed medication. It felt like an overreaction and an example of the unnecessary medicalisation of quirks.

But I had nothing to lose and I love experiments, so I was more than happy to try my new tablets. I had read that when ADHD is misdiagnosed the experience the medication gives you is one similar to an illegal high, so I was really quite excited to give them a pop.

I have now been taking the medication six weeks and it would be impossible for me to explain just how positive they have impacted me without it coming across that I was being unnecessarily dramatic.

I don’t fidget as much and I can concentrate for longer but that’s really the least of it. What I never expected was that it would completely eliminate the soundtrack in my head that was continuously encouraging me to reflect on what a failure I was. I had no idea that such a big part of what defined me was an ADHD symptom. And I also had no idea, in the years that I was exhaustedly trying to change my perspective, that there was such a simple medical intervention waiting for me all along.

If “The Life of Kate Barr” was a book, it feels obvious to me that the past two months of my life would prove to be one of the defining, pivotal chapters in the story. A sense of clarity has distilled on me, I feel positive about my future and I am rethinking what I am capable off looking forward. It’s exciting.

However, outwardly, comically little has changed. I don’t swirl in my chair as much now. That’s basically it. It has struck me as interesting because I feel I have been through something significant and story worthy. I feel I can relate to the transformational arc of our heros in plays. But how can I express that and is it completely unfounded if all that has happened is that my mind has changed?

From the perspective of someone learning about playwrighting I am really interested in exploring how it is possible to capture the awe and significance of small personal journeys. Obviously, there is a place for stories that focus on battles with dragons and near death experiences- the entertainment value of these stories can be epic.

But for me, my desire to join the Young Playwrighting Programme came form a drive within me to express life’s day-to-day futility and value. I want the most underachieving, seemingly boring person in the audience to feel like my play has offered them a voice. But I do not know how to sustain interest when as Nicola McCartney put it “the stakes do not feel high”. This is something I really need to reflect on as I read more plays- how to strike a balance between a captivating plot and maintaining a sense of rawness. Basically, I want to learn how to make the mundane entertaining which I appreciate is a paradox.

Some characters immediately strike you as exhilarating, for example Cyrano, and feeling committed to them is an easy sell. But in life there are so many people that seem dismissible because so little about themselves is revealed- due to general lack of representation, lack of confidence and lack of self-expression. However, there's a complex person there for sure. I know this because as a mental health nurse I work with people every day who have exceptionally real emotions but are completely unconsidered by society.

My March 2020 goal is to think about and research how to present these people authentically in a way that doesn’t mean I feel hurried into presenting their true depth just to justify pushing a plot or emotional response.

Kate Barr

Kate is part of the Bunbury Banter Young Playwrights Programme 2019-2020